


Let Your Waves Crash Down

by BlueEyedMrsBaelish



Series: James Westerling/Robb Stark [5]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Abandonment, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Backstory, Drama, Established Relationship, Flashbacks, Heartbreak, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Loosely based off of Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Taron Egerton as James, Those two years really fucked with James, richard madden as robb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2020-10-03 18:29:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20457515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueEyedMrsBaelish/pseuds/BlueEyedMrsBaelish
Summary: After college had ended James had moved back to Crag, and Robb to Winterfell... Unfortunately, without the presence of his best friend he started to spiral, his anxiety and depression spiking. So he had recorded videos and typed out posts when he needed to get it out of his head, and seemingly had never deleted it.James finds himself choking back tears as he opens the folder. He knows it’s going to hurt going back there, but… He needs to know.





	Let Your Waves Crash Down

**Author's Note:**

> This is the last fic in the series I'm going to put the "check chapter 1 for backstory" disclaimer on! :)
> 
> So... Gonna explain a little here.
> 
> As you'll see stated, there's a two year gap between college and James & Robb reuniting that they didn't speak. It's explained a little below but these two years had a big part to play in James self-destructing and his decline in mental health for a bit. There's a future fic that'll go into one particular night a bit more, but that's for later ;) For now, enjoy James going a bit crazy!

James Westerling didn’t hate many things. He was a relatively positive person, and there were plenty of things he disliked, but very few that he /hated/.

His mother was one that he did hate, and for good reason. Also, green olives. But currently, one of the biggest things that he hated was happening, and he couldn’t stop it.

Spring cleaning.

Well, summer cleaning, technically. Not that it made a difference - he just hated going through his shit. This was a need, however; the pile of random stuff in his place was growing, especially the move was so fresh, and he knew it needed to be done.

Groaning to himself, he tosses the third full garbage bag near the door, panting and sweating as he tries to focus on the music. He’d put on the playlist he made for Robb since his boyfriend was working - you know, like a normal human? Each song had him feeling a different sort of way - some happy, some romantic, some sexual (For Your Entertainment by Adam Lambert is both incredibly fun to sing and /so/ hot). But it’s not until Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard comes on that he freezes, both at the song and at the irony.

He was cleaning out his computer files (yes, those build up too) when he found a folder in the almost empty hidden section, his face draining of color. The folder is simply labeled ‘WR’.

Without Robb. Jesus, he remembered this.

After college had ended James had moved back to Crag, and Robb to Winterfell. There had been a lot going on for James, including realizing that he was falling for his best friend. Unfortunately his mother’s words had lingered in his mind, reminding him that he was unlovable, or at least unable to be properly loved. He hadn’t wanted to put that on Robb, especially since it was clear Robb didn’t have feelings like that for him.

So as he’d gotten busier, he’d stopped reaching out.

Unfortunately, without the presence of his best friend he started to spiral, his anxiety and depression spiking. So he had recorded videos and typed out posts when he needed to get it out of his head, and seemingly had never deleted it.

Gods, why did he have to be reminded of that time? And backed up by Yellowcard’s vocals, James finds himself choking back tears as he opens the folder. He knows it’s going to hurt going back there, but… He needs to know.

𝘐𝘧 𝘐 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘯𝘰𝘸, 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳  
𝘞𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘳𝘶𝘯 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳...

\--

1 MWR - VIDEO

Fresh faced James pops up on the screen, and the look in his eyes makes James’s heart ache. He knows that look.

“Hey, so uh… I don’t know how long I’ll stick to this but. My name is James Westerling, and I’m making this because I have shit to say and don’t know how to say it otherwise - shit, this is fucking stupid.” Beat. “I’m gonna start this like I’m talking a person, maybe? M’kay, from the beginning.” Deep breath. “About three years ago, I met this guy named Robb Stark at a premiere for school movie I was in. I saw him in the audience and was instantly smitten, and then he was nice enough to drive me home later when I got super sick after I did a keg stand. We kissed later that night and he ended up moving in two weeks later. He became my best friend.”

The pain in his voice is evident as he continues. “I’m also… gay. Something that everyone except my mom seemed to know. Robb is bi, but we never dated or had sex or anything. Much.” A blush and a lip bite - some things never change. “Okay we did frot on the couch a bit and we may have blown each other but it never made things weird, ya know? Like we would clean up and go back to playing Rockband like nothing happened.”

James pauses the video, taking a few deep breaths. He remembers this; this is when he talks about his mom, about the lingering fucking trauma a few sentences caused. He skips past for now, playing again once he stopped crying in video.

“So I don’t know… But I just feel like I have to leave him alone. I don’t want to… Gods, I miss him. A month without seeing him, hugging him, smelling the lingering scent of his cologne. A month without kissing him.” This hurts to watch. “We stayed in regular contact for the first few weeks, I thought things could remain like they did. Until… Well, until I got this text.” He pulls out his phone, a model that makes James snicker. His past self bites back a sigh before reading it aloud. “Seashell! Found a few places that would be in our price range and in between cities. Let me know what you think! xx” 

Oof. That hurt. And clearly it hurt him too, since another choked sob fills the speaker. “Gods, I love him. I really do. But every time I go to tell him I just hear my mother and know she’s right. I can’t do this to him… He’s the best person I know and I just. I need him to forget me. He’ll be happier on his own in the long run, and I’ll be more miserable. But hey, as long as he’s living his best life, that’s all I care about. Fuck me.”

\--

The video ends, and James has to choke back a sob. Gods, he wishes he could both hug and smack his younger self. He remembers that mindset, remembers why he did it. But fuck was it stupid.

Unable to stop himself, he clicks the next video. There are only a few that he sees, and most of them are short. This one is about a minute long, and the bridge of the song playing on his phone only adds to the pain.

𝘐 𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘮𝘣𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘪𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘦𝘺𝘦𝘴  
𝘞𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘐 𝘵𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥𝘣𝘺𝘦  
𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘨𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘰𝘯𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵  
𝘕𝘰𝘵 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦, 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘯𝘰𝘸  
𝘞𝘦'𝘳𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘶𝘱 𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘢𝘮𝘦 𝘯𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘴𝘬𝘺  
𝘞𝘦 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘶𝘯 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘦  
𝘞𝘦'𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘦 𝘵𝘰𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵  
𝘚𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦, 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘩𝘰𝘸...

\--

5 MWR - VIDEO

Baby faced James sits in front of the camera again, this time looking more ragged than before. “Hey. Kinda forgot about this, not gonna lie.” Chuckles and slips his fingers through his hair. “Life is nuts. I’ve been keeping myself busy with this YouTube channel and working with dad, which is just basically me saying I keep myself busy so I don’t have to feel shit. And hey, it works! I haven’t thought about Robb in weeks.” Beat. “Fuck, I can’t lie. I still think about him every goddamn day. We barely speak anymore, though… He usually texts when I’m working, and when I reply he’s asleep, so I’ve stopped replying if it’s that late.”

“I hate myself for this. I hate doing this to him, but I have to. I hate my mom. I just want my Wolfy back.” The emotions are starting to rise, and James visibly shakes them back down. “No. No. I’m not gonna cry about this yet again, it’s been five months. We weren't dating, we’ve never dated and it’s pretty goddamn clear we never will. So, yeah. Life is shit, bye.”

Video ends.

\--

10 MWR - VIDEO

“Fuck.” James rolls around in the chair and it’s clear that he’s high as fuck on weed. “So, I’ve just kind of accepted that I’ll never find love? Like true love? Because thanks mom for reminding me!” He groans and rubs his already red eyes. “So yeah, I’ve had a few hookups. Kinda went out to a bar tonight and ended up downstairs, covered in men. Was kinda hot as fuck but I’ve never felt more empty inside, even after /that/.” Finger guns. (Jesus, he was fucked up.) “I’m so miserable. I work and I sleep, and sometimes I smoke but I don’t like smoking anymore because I did it with /him/. The man I abandoned.”

There’s a good minute pause before he speaks again, his voice so soft and broken now. “I… I’m sorry, Robb. I’m sorry. But I need to move on… I’m self destructing. You didn’t do anything wrong. This one is on me.” He sniffles and pulls his phone out. “He texted me, ya know. Told me he /missed/ me and hoped he’d hear from me soon.” Snorts. “He really had to remind me that I’m the worst so called best friend ever, hmm? Well FUCK OFF.”

A loud sob is cut off by the video ending.

\--

1 YR 3 MWR - WORD DOCUMENT

Robb,

I don’t even know what to fucking say at this point. My therapist told me this would be a good idea, so here I am.

It’s been over a year since I saw you last. I still miss you, although I’m not horribly spiraling anymore. I miss the way your eyes crinkle when you smile, the half chuckle-half laugh that you do, the way your lips move when you form words with that adorable accent. I miss cuddling with you, our drunken Rockband nights, and even just sitting in silence doing schoolwork (minus the schoolwork bit). I want nothing more than to just run back to you and beg for your forgiveness.

I can’t, though. I know it’s not possible; not that you wouldn’t forgive me, but that you wouldn’t understand. You don’t know what it’s like having a mother that speaks to you with vitriol in her voice, who tells you that you’re not normal and that she wants you to stay in the closet so you don’t “pollute your siblings”. A mother who fucking tells you that you won’t be loved properly because you’re GAY and that you should keep it to yourself.

If it sounds like I’m crying, I am. I’m fucking sobbing because I want to believe that she’s wrong, that she’s just a psycho bitch like I know she is and that me being gay doesn’t make me less worthy. But… I feel less worthy. I’m not ashamed to be gay, but… I’m hurting inside.

And you… Robb Stark, my best friend, the light of my life and everything I’ve ever fucking wanted in a friend and a person. I would die for you, I will never ever stop loving you. And somewhere I want to believe you love me like that. But I can’t find a way to believe that you can see past my fucking self and feel anything but mild enjoyment or disgust - either way, I could believe it. But love? No.

I had to push you away. I had to. I couldn’t let you get hurt in all of this, especially since Sybell wants nothing more but to ruin your life for “corrupting me”, despite the fact that I’ve been gay my entire fucking life.

I’m sorry, Robb. I hope someday you’ll forgive me, even though you’ll never read this letter. 

James

\--

1 YR 6 MWR - VIDEO

James looks like… Well, James again. The sadness is still evident in his eyes, but he has definitely taken care of himself.

“Hi. I’m… so sorry about that last video. Not that anyone is watching this, but if you are I’m so sorry. My pain took me to dark places for awhile there and I was spiraling.

Ella found me curled up on the floor, unable to move after a night of drinking and just… crying. I’d call myself pathetic but my therapist wants me to work on hating myself, so it was sad, I guess. Anyway, after a long talk I finally agreed to start seeing a therapist. While I haven’t told her everything and probably won’t, it’s helped me focus my energy on work and not on the void in my life, the one I caused.” Pause. “I’ve spoken to Robb, briefly. Just told him I’m working two jobs, especially now that the channel has taken off. He understands, just misses me. I miss him too.

I’m ready to keep going, though. The channel gives me a lot of life and joy that I haven’t felt in so long. Singing really is my calling, and if I can make people happy doing what I love… Then so be it. Fuck what Sybell has to say, she still the worst person I’ve ever met. I’m happiest behind my piano, singing my heart out to Elton John and Bowie and Billy Joel. But… I still can’t help thinking that I wish Robb was here, ya know?” Sigh.

“Oh… I almost forgot. I have the opportunity to move back. I’d be one town away from Robb’s apartment… Fuck. FUCK. Do I take this? I’ve worked so hard. I don’t want to lose myself again… but I want my best friend back.” Lip bite. “I’ll figure this out.”

Video ends.

\--

2 YWR - VIDEO

The bright smile on James’s face is one that he hadn’t held in years. “I’m moving back out! And I’ll be closer to Robb again. He has no idea and I’m so excited to find him. We’ve been chatting more - he commented on the video of me singing with ELTON JOHN, which I’m still not over by the way, and I messaged him. He called me and we chatted like it had been mere days, not years. I’m moving back and I’m going to have my best friend back.

It’s funny to think about how different things are now - I’m stable, happy, content. I’ve reached the place where I know I’ll be happy just being Robb’s friend, and considering how excited he sounded I think he’ll be okay too. I definitely could have handled things better… But that’s over now. He’s not even mad at me, something that I must admit I find rather mind-boggling.”

His eyes flicker down to his phone, and he chuckles before looking back up. “Funny story… Listening to Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard is what did it for me. That chorus just… It hit me, you know?” He begins to sing. “If I could find you now, things would get better. We could leave this town and run forever. I know someway, somehow, we’ll be together. Let your waves crash down on me and take me away…” Smiles fondly. “I’ve always loved that song, but it really struck a chord today. And I’m so excited to be moving back with my Wolfy. Things /will/ get better, I’m sure of it.

And that’s it for these videos. If you’re watching these - and I pray it’s only future me watching these - you’re a trooper, because I was a hot mess. If it’s future James… please don’t hate yourself. I know it’s hard but you’ve got this. We both do.”

Video ends.

\--

James sits in front of the computer as the last video ends, hot tears coming down in a steady stream. He uses a few more tissues as the emotions of those two years are slamming down on him over and over, reminding him of just how lost he was. Reminding him of the two weeks in which he and Robb were separated over their feelings. Gods, everything in his life went back to Robb Stark, didn’t it?

That was now a good thing; as the familiar picture of the two of them beaming at the camera pulls up, he’s reminded that Robb /is/ now his boyfriend, and minus the occasional bicker they couldn’t be happier. Sybell’s words echo in the back of his mind now and then, but he’s finally learned to ignore them. He’s happy, truly happy, and truly loved by his wolf.

He gazes at the folder before deleting it, releasing a breath of relief. He doesn’t need to be reminded of that part of his life anymore, now that he’s (mostly) moved past it. He had an entire life with Robb ahead of him.

𝘓𝘦𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘸𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘤𝘳𝘢𝘴𝘩 𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘯 𝘰𝘯 𝘮𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘺.

**Author's Note:**

> James is my dramatic boy, this much is known. But I really enjoy writing this side of him because it's not inaccurate to a lot of struggles people with mental health deal with. I want to portray him as openly and accurately as possible. James isn't perfect, not by a long shot, and while he's a sweet, soft boy who wants love, he also sometimes doesn't really know how to handle things, especially when it comes to Robb.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed, and please feel free to let me know what you thought! <3
> 
> Title & lyrics are taken from Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard.


End file.
